Live and let die: mastering the Ego
The human ego is a funny thing. It wants to protect you, so it will prevent you from taking risks. From stepping into the unknown, from challenging the world and yourself. And so it limits you because if you don’t learn from mistakes, you will not grow. And you will turn into someone you may not like. When that happens, you have two options: Accept how things are, grow bitter and then slowly lay down and die, or Refuse to accept and start fighting back.
A while ago I went through one of the worst times in my life and at first it felt compelling to crawl under a rock and die. I dedided to leave everything dear to me: the company I had founded and all the team mates since 12 years, my wife and beloved kids, the house we had recently built; most of my friends etc. I did not plan for all of this, I just knew I had to leave some things behind. More than anything, I knew I had to leave Me. I needed profound change.
So one thing led to the other. I started letting go of the things and folks I only had kept hanging on to because I could not bare the loss. It was revealing to sense how easy it is to keep changing things, once you set off on the quitting journey. Most people will accomplish this without disrupting and eroding everything around them. Others (like me) will deny the need for change too long, and others just keep denying for as long as they live. Change is hard.
What I also discovered was that who we are as a person is not as easy to turn around as things around us. Quitting on others is hard but quitting on yourself is different. Your ego will do anything to keep you out of harms way, even if that means protecting You from your Self. You have that built-in mechanism.
To let go of people you have known for a long time and who are a big part of your life, people you trust and care about, is difficult. Rightfully so.
Gradually however, you get used to that too. Once you feel the certainty to get out of who you are, nothing will stop you. Friends and family will try to hold you back, because they care for you. They have no idea what is happening to you and they want to keep you the way you are. Your disruptive journey is also a threat to them. Today I am happy to have a fine relationship to my kids and a few dear friends, and social acceptance is still pretty important to me.
Running a startup for many years turned out to be a good experience for me when dealing with the tough decisions in this process. It is a constant game of improvise, adapt and overcome. You learn that nothing on earth is certain.
In the end you may discover that many things you belive you need in life are just superficial wants. Like home decor. Those extra shirts or shoes in the closet. Other things you keep for emotional attachments or prestige. Ego wants prestige and status. It wants you to look good from every angle.
To let go of certainty and control was really difficult. We all share somewhat the illusion that life is something you figure out, like a business plan. If you are lucky it may feel like you are in control for long periods of time. As Mike Tyson says:
Everyone has a plan, until they get punched in the face.
To stop worrying and believe good things will happen if you let them and to believe in the good will of other people, your own capacity, the universe as a whole takes some effort.Most spiritual journeys demand suffering to achieve insights and personal resilience, a rare trait in most societies. School does not make you resilient. Your mom doesn’t either. The investment has to be made by you and the payback is the change that slowly happens, resulting in faith and mental toughness. To learn how to live and let die is pain, and bliss.
This story is published in The Startup, Medium’s largest entrepreneurship publication followed by 330,853+ people.
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